Conditioning for the Unconditional
by BelovedShadow
Summary: When the Uchiha family moved, things changed. Fugaku, once in the shadow of his wife, becomes successful. Mikoto, once the perfect businesswoman, becomes the perfect wife. And their sons, well - they change most of all. Once polar opposites, they become lovers. Is their new found relationship a sin? Or is the love they share really the most natural occurance of all since the move?
1. Leaving Home

**WARNING: NC-17 MATERIAL IN LATER CHAPS. SLASH!FICTION AHEAD.**

**A/N: Okay, but look at it this way - if you kill me for starting another chapter fic, then I'll be too dead to continue the others!**

**Enjoy!**

Mikoto had purchased the Toyota Sienna ten months ago, and she took it to the car wash every week. It was all white everywhere, and Fugaku was constantly complaining about it, saying that if they painted it brown, it wouldn't need to be washed so much. Sometimes, he would nag on his sons, and say that they should have been the ones who scrubbed the car.

He was a fool to even bring it up. Sasuke and Itachi Uchiha were polar opposites, but anyone who knew them well could easily have told their father that neither of them would be caught dead soaping down some Hybrid when there were better things to do.

The elder brother, Itachi, spent most of his time in his room. He was twenty two years old, and his business card would tell you that he worked as a Networking System Administrator. No one who he ever talked to knew what that really entailed though, so when asked he would simply say that he worked with computers from home. His home was in the basement of his parent's house. He payed them ninety-four thousand yen a month for rent and whatever portion of the bills they deduced to be his expense. He was a silent genius. He spent no time with his friends, and minimal time with his family.

Sasuke was not at all his elder brother. He was passionate about every single thing he did, although in reality he didn't do much. He made average grades in school, had several eclectic friends, and tried his very best to make sure that every single person who saw him knew that he was fabulous. He didn't care about many people other than himself, and he most certainly didn't care about the colour of wood stain for a set of cabinets on a house he didn't even want to live in.

"I'm just trying to get your opinion on something, Sasuke! For goodness sake will you just answer me!"

With a very pronounced roll of the eye, and a heavily heaved breath, Sasuke looked at his mother, crossing one carefully sculpted leg over the other, causing a tiny sound of friction as the skin tight denim brushed. "The mohogany is pretty, but the charcoal matches the stainless steel oven better."

"Thank you! That's all I asked! Gosh, you'd think I didn't even _have _a gay son."

"Thanks, Mommy Dearest. You know how much I adore it when you address the status of our platonic relationship based on my sexual preferences as if one was related to the other."

Mikoto frowned. "It's not like that, honey. But Kushina Uzumaki has _her_ son assisting the personal shopper with her entire wardrobe, you know."

Sasuke scoffed, and stood up, adjusting his shirt so that he revealed just enough of the bottom of his stomach to expose the fact that he shaved his pubes, but not enough to show his bellybutton like a whore. "I will have you know that Kushina Uzumaki's son is a lousy fuck who can't keep it up with a cock in his ass, and can't have _his _cock in an ass for more than five obnoxiously repetitive minutes."

"You know, Otouto - I wouldn't think that I'd have to say this for the third time today, but could you please keep your personal life _personal._"

Sasuke glared hatefully at his elder brother as he stepped into the kitchen and took out a soda from the fridge.

"Honestly, I'm surprised we even got to _see _you three times in a day. Why aren't you holed up in the basement like your usual vampiric self? Finally realized it smells like plaster down there?"

Itachi ground his teeth in irritation. "Actually, I've been coming up and down for some refreshment, now that the AC is off downstairs. I couldn't help but notice as I was getting some boxes down the hall that you still haven't finished packing."

Sasuke shrugged. "I'm in no rush."

"We're moving in three hours, Sasuke. Everything here that's not packed is staying with the house except for your room."

"I'll get it done, okay?" Sasuke hissed out, jumping up from the table and storming off in the direction of the hall.

Itachi distinctly heard his brother muttering about not wanting to move in the first fucking place, but he ignored it.

"Have you spoken with your father yet?" Mikoto asked, taking a long sip of tea.

"Yes, he's raising my rent by ten thousand because of the extra square footage in the new house."

Mikoto smiled. "Oh, well that's really not so bad, huh?"

Itachi shook his head kindly at his mother. "No, not at all. I think everything's going to work out quite nicely, if we can get Sasuke to stop sulking."

She chuckled sadly at that. "I know you're upset about the move too, darling. But... you have to understand, your father really wants it and I just-"

"I get it, mother. This was your parent's house. Dad needs a place of his own. It makes sense to me. I'll just miss it. That's all."

She smiled. "You're sweet to me, Itachi."

Down the hall, Sasuke was fitfully throwing his things into a box, talking to his cat as he huffed about.

"What do you think Corin? New box for shoes? Shoes on top of the clothes?"

The cat merely hissed at the box, circling it as it tried to figure out why there was a large foreign object in the middle of the room.

"C'mon, Corin. I need help with this! Just the rest of the clothes, okay? Mom said I can redo my whole room when we get to the new place, so I'm not taking any furniture."

Corin's golden eyes shone mischeiviously for a moment before she leapt into the box and snuggled up in the clothes. Sasuke giggled.

"Well of course _you're _coming, silly! I guess a separate box for the shoes. And I can wrap up picture frames with my sweat pants so I don't have to bug Count Dracula for tissue paper..."

Sasuke jumped slightly when there was a knock on his door, afraid for a moment that Itachi had heard him. The fear was short lived. Partly because Itachi wouldn't have cared anyway, and partly because Fugaku opened the door without waiting for an answer to his knock.

"Hey, sport. Hey, Cory!"

"No nicknames, Dad. It's _Corin._ Latin for the word Spear. Interpreted later on to worship the act of sodomy between two Roman men. Think you can remember it next time?"

Fugaku looked like he was about to go in to his 'Sasuke we understand that you're gay, but blah blah blah' routine, but he didn't - which his youngest son was quite grateful for.

"Sorry about that, son. You all packed?"

"Yeah, I guess. Just need to do my shoes and I'll be done. Why? Is the truck early?"

"Yep! But I can have it wait if you're not ready."

Sasuke shook his head. "No, it's fine. I'll be right out. Can you take this box for me while I pack up the shoes?"

His father nodded and moved to close up the box, jumping slightly when he was startled by Corin jumping out and onto the floor - looking overall flustered by almost getting trapped in cardboard prison.

Sasuke made quick work of packing up his shoes, then looked around his space and took a deep breath.

"C'mon, Corin." He patted his chest and his cat dutifully jumped up into his arms, snuggling warmly.

"Good kitty," Sasuke cooed, stroking pitch black fur as he walked, kicking along his box of shoes with his left foot until Itachi rolled his eyes and picked it up for him in the hallway. "Sweet, darling, precious little kitty,"

Itachi frowned, as he sat down beside his brother in the all white Toyota and watched Sasuke carefully put on his seatbelt so as not to disturb his beloved pet.

"What are you staring at, Itachi?" Sasuke asked, kissing Corin's soft forehead, and listening to her purr.

"Sorry. I was just wondering if you'll ever love anyone as much as that cat."

Sasuke snorted. "Probably not. Never anyone human anyway. You've got your chances, though. Being a vampire and all." He joked, setting Corin in his lap so that he could stretch his back.

"Give it up, Sasuke. We're out in daylight. I'm not a vampire."

"Not Count Dracula, no. Or Damon Salvatore. Or Eric Northman. Now _there _is one sexy fuck. You know I think he had a sexual relationship with Godric back in like... Jesus time or whatever time he was made."

"Who?"

"Doesn't matter. You're a Twilight vamp anyway. You don't sleep and you sparkle in the sun."

Itachi looked thoroughly unamused. "I most certainly do _not _sparkle."

"Seriously. You've got glitter on your neck. Don't even try to get it off. It's like that stand up comedian said - glitter is the herpes of craft supplies. It's not always evident, but don't be mistaken. Once you've got the shit, it never really goes away."

Itachi just shook his head in disbelief. "You amaze me, Otouto. You really do."

**A/N: I know this chapter is super duper extremely short, and I'm sorry that it's so pathetic for an opener, but I'm really tired and I wanted to do it before going to sleep so you'll just have to deal.**

**Please review!**

**Love you for reading xD**

**-Beloved**


	2. Meeting The Neighbors

It wasn't that the new place wasn't pretty enough or something like that. In fact, this home proved that sometimes the grass really is greener in your own yard. So green, in fact, that Sasuke had to bend over and touch it just to make sure it was really grass. And perhaps he'd stayed bent down there for a couple more seconds. Perhaps he had a sexy neighbor right across the street. It's all good, right?

Itachi, of course, merely shook his head in disappointment when he saw his little brother's flamboyant antics.

"I take it you'll be letting the real men do the unloading then, Otouto?"

"Of course." Sasuke answered with zero shame. "C'mon, Corin! Let's go see our new room!"

The cat followed behind her owner as he entered the house and walked upstairs. This time, instead of renting out the basement, he and Itachi had bedrooms next to each other. They attached at the bathroom, and Sasuke could already see that it would be an issue. Itachi didn't like to socialize, and _he _didn't like to be rushed out of the loo. Ugh. Fights just _waiting _to happen.

His room wasn't so bad though, really. It was nothing special. Slightly smaller than his room at the last house, but it would do. The walls were painted a hideous orange color that he had no idea what to do with considering the fact that most of his bedroom dressings were in dark purple and blues. Oh lord… this was going to look insane. He had a lovely window, though. So that was nice. He could put some chocolate brown curtains on it that would set the orange off rather nicely…. No! He refused to accept these walls. He'd be speaking with his mother about painting as soon as possible.

"Seriously, Sasuke! At least carry your _own _shit, even if you won't help with anything else!"

"I didn't want to move, Itachi! I'm not assisting the process!"

Downstairs, Itachi was rolling his eyes as he struggled with a large box that seemed to be filled entirely with his brother's shoes. What the hell did he even _do _with all of these? Actually, the more Itachi thought of the answer to that question – the more he didn't even want to know it.

Corin the cat seemed to have already made herself plenty at home. She walked downstairs, and nuzzled against Itachi's leg, purring up at him in a way that was half cute, half annoying, and entirely a demand for food.

"Doesn't Otouto feed you?"

She merely continued rubbing against his leg. It was a stupid question anyway. Of course Sasuke fed the damn cat. The only thing he _did _around here was feed that stupid animal. And pet her. And snuggle her. And god knows what else.

"Honestly, Fugaku. Could you just do _one _thing right around here? I asked you to pack up the shelving _last. _Now that we're unpacking, we have to take out books before the bookshelves. There'll be clutter absolutely everywhere, just because you can't follow a simple instruction."

Mikoto reprimanding her husband. Frequent occurrence.

Itachi sighed, wondering if maybe this move would help his parents to get along better. He doubted it.

"Mother, could you ask Sasuke to bring his own boxes upstairs please? I can't do everything myself."

"Just have your father do it, darling. Don't bother Sasuke-Chan, he's having a hard time with the move, you know that… Fugaku don't _put _that there!"

And on she nagged.

Maybe it would have been different if Mikoto Uchiha didn't make significantly more money than her husband. Maybe it wouldn't. Either way, she was the CEO of Uchiha corp. (Still) and Fugaku was unemployed. (Again)

When he first heard Sasuke sprinting down the steps, he made the foolish mistake of assuming that his brother was actually about to help them unpack. No such luck. He had merely changed (god knows how when he hadn't even taken out his clothes yet) and exited the house.

He walked across the street up to the neighbors yar, trying to get a peek at that hottie he'd seen here earlier. He knocked on the door, and was greeted by a face that looked almost identical to his. Creepy .

"Er- I'm your new neighbor…"

The man raised an eyebrow and looked him up and down. Then shut the door in his face. Well _that _wasn't very nice! Unwilling to accept unkindness when he was just trying to be neighborly (albeit a little sexually focused, but neighborly nonetheless) Sasuke banged on the door again.

The same man answered, and sighed heavily. "He's mine. Get lost."

Slam.

Okay, so whoever these neighbors were, they totally caught Sasuke checking out the first guy. But! Good news! If he already had a boyfriend, he was definitely gay!

Feeling as if he'd accomplished something, Sasuke strutted happily back home. It shouldn't be that hard to persuade his sexy neighbor into a little infidelity. After all, he'd read somewhere that monogamy was an entirely heterosexual concept. Perhaps he shouldn't live his life based on the morals that he acquired through endless hours browsing through slash fiction, but sometimes you've gotta do what you've gotta do.

Itachi was half curiously watching his brother's blatantly flirtatious behavior, and half unloading the moving truck. Seeing Sasuke do stuff like that made him want to be sick all over himself, but he wouldn't bother the kid about it … unless it became _too _ridiculous.

**Across The Street… **

"They're here," The man turned away from his front door and pressed his back against it, crossing his arms and glaring at his lover, who was seated comfortably on their stairs.

"Yeah, I didn't miss the huge white truck, but thanks for the info."

"No. _They're _here."

At that, he earned the other man's attention. "_What_?"

"I'm serious. Even more interesting – Sasuke has a crush on you."

That earned him a laugh, which he found to be distinctly annoying.

"Oh come on, you have to appreciate the irony in that."

"It's not ironic. It's… I dunno it's something else."

"You can't possibly be jealous of Sasuke Uchiha, love. That doesn't even make sense. We both knew this day was coming. Isn't that why we moved here in the first place?"

The man near the door merely frowned.

"I just hope everything works out…"

**A/N: And to think, this chapter is even shorter than the last… **

**Please review oh my god I'm begging you! **

**Love ya for readin! **

**-Beloved**


	3. Corin the Cat

**A/N: Sorry for the delay! **

**Enjoy! **

Corin considered herself to be a very respectable cat. Her whiskers were straight and firm, and her fur was sleek and soft. Her padded feet were perfectly plump and pink at the bottom, and she did not have any of those ridiculous _socks _that a few of her siblings had the misfortune of possessing. Her eyes were a rich gold, and her vision was spectacular. She licked her nose, thoughtfully, and opened her eyes, giving a large yawn and exposing her wonderfully sharp and beautifully white teeth as she stretched.

Beneath her, Sasuke's legs shifted slightly. Ah, yes, it was time to wake him. He always got a little shifty right before it was time for him to wake up. Usually Sasuke began to stir just before he _should _wake, but didn't actually get up until Corin woke him. She was such a wonderful cat, honestly – being so kind to her pathetic little human. She did love him, though – he was the only one in the house who understood how fabulous she was.

Padding softly up Sasuke's chest, Corin gently licked at his chin.

"_Get up!" _She meowed out sternly. He rolled over, which was routine, and she gracefully hopped over so that she was on his back instead. His lightly scarred back. Now why did such a perfectionist of an owner have imperfections on his back? Well...

"OW!" Sasuke screamed, and Corin decided she would feel smug about the fresh new scratch she'd created. She retracted her claws daintily, and stuck her nose up in the air, making a face that she knew clearly displayed her self-righteousness.

Sasuke rose from his bed in all his naked glory and glared at her. "Can't you sort out another way to wake me up?"

"_Well, I never! How on earth could you suggest something like that when I've treated you so much better than any of those other cats treat their humans! I am so fed up with this! This is the last time I wake you if this is the attitude I'm gonna-" _

"Stop all your hissing, Kitty. I'm sorry."

Corin did her best impression of a smirk as Sasuke scooped her up and cradled her close to his chest. As usual, he hadn't understood a single word she had said, but she'd learned to expect this from humans. They were all rather stupid, at least when compared to creatures of her level of genius. His nimble fingers found their way to that magical spot behind her ears and she purred contentedly, nuzzling into his pectorals.

Ah, if humans were one thing, it was comfortable. Sasuke opened up the door to that room of _terror, _and then, out of nowhere, he gave a loud shriek, and she was being _dropped_! Yes, _dropped_! As if she was just some silly _object _to be put _down_! She landed on her feet, of course, being a rather well-balanced feline, but still! How _dare _he just _drop _her! It was – it was absolutely despicable! And she was about to tell him so when she noticed that one of the other humans was in the room. It was the other pretty one. The one that fed her sometimes. She looked back and forth between them.

Sasuke now had both of his hands covering up that thing between his legs... He certainly was fond of putting his hands there...

"Itachi, what the fuck are you doing!"

"Brushing my teeth. We share a bathroom now, remember?" The long-haired one replied in monotone, "I would ask what the fuck _you're _doing, but I really don't want to know why you spend quality time naked with Corin."

Confused by the implications of that, Corin leaped up to the bathroom counter, finding the driest spot possible and sprawling out there to observe.

"Wha-Bu-... Cor... She's a _girl_!" Sasuke exclaimed, looking completely scandalized.

The long-haired one was looking at her now, and rolling his eyes. "You hear this, Corin? His first thought – you're a girl. Never mind that you're a _cat_. I suppose that particular detail isn't so important. You wouldn't let Otouto indulge in bestiality, would you, kitty?"

"_Beasty-what?" _

Sasuke snatched her up and laid a hand over her ears. "Itachi! She's an innocent virgin! Don't talk like that around her!"

The long-haired human merely raised an eyebrow and looked pointedly downward where Sasuke's hands had been before he picked her up. Corin looked down too, ah – it was like _that _again. Well, Sasuke would be touching it any minute now, she supposed, and shooing her out of the room. Honestly, what was so "awkward" about her seeing him put lotion on his hands and then touch his own skin? He did that after showering anyway, just not for as long...

"All this talk about sexy felines turning you on Otouto?"

"No!" Sasuke insisted, blushing furiously.

"Your hard cock disagrees with you," The long-haired one was smirking evilly now, clearly taking joy in the embarrassment he was causing his poor sweet brother.

"It's just morning wood, Itachi. Doesn't mean I like animals! What the hell is wrong with you? Why are you so sick in the head? I came in here to take a fucking shower! I always have Corin with me, stop making it weird!"

Itachi shrugged, but Corin got a feeling he wasn't done, since his lips were still slightly upturned.

"If you say so... but you didn't have any alleged _morning wood _when you first walked in here. And don't try to say you did, because you _are _completely naked, it's not like I just couldn't see it."

"Since when are you so interested in my penis! And maybe you should put some fucking clothes on _yourself _with your-your stupid little skimpy whorish towel and your dripping wet chest! What's that about? No one cares that you have legs for days, Itachi! No one cares about your flawless skin, or your retarded silky hair!"

"_Yeah, that's right! Nobody cares!" _Corin co-signed, although truly she had no idea what was going on. Her mewing was the only sound that could be heard in the room, as both of the brothers had gone completely silent.

"Otouto … Are you saying it's _my _fault you-"

Corin let out an indignant hiss as Sasuke bolted out of the room, slammed the door shut, threw her – yes, actually had the nerve to _throw_ her – onto the bed, and then shoved his dresser in front of that door.

Well! Just as she readied herself to tell him off yet _again, _she noticed the look on his face. Poor thing. He was crying. He threw himself on the bed now, burying his face in his pillow and reaching for her.

Now, Corin knew that as a cat, having a pet human did not necessarily mean she had to love them – that was a dog's job. However, she _did _love her pet Sasuke, so she allowed him to pull her close and snuggle her. And if this was actually a bit comfy, perhaps she _did _release a purr or two.

"Oh Corin... why am I so _sick_?" Sasuke sobbed, squeezing her tightly, but not _too _tightly. "What the fuck is _wrong _with me?"

"_Well, you're filthy, your hair is uncombed, you're – still – completely naked and while I see no issue with this, I will admit that you do usually leave the house in about five minutes, and at this point we're usually eating breakfast, and not with you looking even worse than when I woke you. So there's that. Which reminds me of the fact that you haven't fed me yet, which is highly inappropriate. Your lack of hunger isn't something we can share, after all." _

Sasuke sniffled, and stroked her fur. "Your little kitty babbling is so adorable. I love you so much..."

"_I love you too, but I think you've missed the point. I'm – hungry – remember?" _

"Is that the time? Poor kitty, you must be starved... Here I am having an emotional breakdown and your little tummy is running on 'E' right now."

"_Quite so. Feed me at once!" _

Sasuke got up and wiped his face, he looked at the dresser that he'd put in front of the door, and then resolutely sprayed in some dry shampoo, over-deodorized his armpits, ate three breath mints, and got dressed. Clearly, he wasn't going back into the room, as he seemed to be trying to substitute his usual morning routine with slightly less cleanly alternatives.

"Oh! Corin, did I tell you? I might have accidentally found myself at that sexy neighbors mailbox while they weren't home. The less sexy one seems to sleep in pretty late after the sexier one goes to work. Anyways! I now know their names! But isn't this weird? They get mail for 'John Doe' and 'Dick Johnson' which is clearly a lie. I wonder what their real names are..."

Corin was quite sick of hearing about these two neighbors. They'd moved in just a week ago and Sasuke had hardly talked about anything since then. She found stray humans to be highly un-respectable and from what she'd heard, these ones didn't have any sort of master at all. No cat, no dog – not even a goldfish! Admittedly, a goldfish was rather slack at taking care of humans, but at least she'd have a snack across the road if they were the sort of people that always had a lot of fish watching over them.

Deciding that she couldn't be bothered with Sasuke's ramblings about the sexy neighbor, she hopped off of the bed and out of her cat-flap, hearing Sasuke calling after her. She paused, thinking that she maybe _should _go back to him, but she was hungry! Food was _downstairs_! Maybe she could convince one of the other humans to provide for her in his stead.

She trotted down the steps, running into the big human first. She clawed gently at his legs.

"_Hey, hey you up there! Yes, you! I require sustenance! Feed me!" _

"You need to go outside, kitty?"

"_No, you imbecile! I need food! Honestly, do you know what time it is? It's – breakfast – time!" _

"Sure, I'll let you out," He said cheerfully.

Deciding that maybe she'd just go see really quickly if those neighbors across the street _did _live with a bunch of fish, Corin darted out of the door. She heard and saw two things at once. In the house, she could hear Sasuke's furious and terrified screech of "Dad! NO! It's _rush hour_!"

And in the middle of the street, in front of her eyes, she could see two quickly approaching headlights.

**XxBxExLxOxVxExDxX**

He hated the smell of hospitals. He hated the cleanliness of them. He hated the sound that his shoes made against the tiled floor as he walked. Hated the way his hair would smell like latex and cleaning fluid and illness for the next week no matter how much he washed it.

None of these things mattered, because right now, he did not have room for hate. He had only fear. He could think only of how his lover was the most stupid person on the planet, and how if that bastard lived through this, he might just kill him personally.

This was _not _how this day was supposed to go and they both knew that. They'd had plans – careful plans. They had a schedule, and they knew how to stick to it. Knew better than anyone else. So how was it that the stupid dolt could not follow one _single _question? Why was it that he couldn't trust his brother to stay home alone and _safe _for the six brief hours he worked? Damn lazy shit slept through three of them!

He opened the door softly, though his anger was apparent.

"Sir, I'm afraid that only relatives can-"

"I'm his brother." He said shortly, sitting down on the hospital bed as two obsidian eyes blinked open and looked up at him. Damn idiot had the nerve to be smiling, too. The nurse left the room, quietly.

"You came from work?"

"Of course I did. What happened? They said you got_ hit by a car_, and I'm trying very hard not to put two and two together, Otouto – really I am, but the truth is staring me right in the fucking face so I'm going to give you one chance to tell it before I snatch you out of this bed and take you _all the way _back home and we forget about this whole thing."

"I couldn't just let her die! I was in the front yard and I _saw _that car coming and my body reacted! I couldn't help it!"

"You risked your life for Sasuke Uchiha's cat." He took a deep breath, and closed his eyes.

"The car really didn't do me much damage, it was the slide afterward, tore the skin on my arm clean off."

"The skin? Your wrist and shoulder are broken and your hipbone is fractured." He hissed, trying not to be _too _mad but being unable to help it. "You _promised _me you wouldn't do this today!"

"You made me promise you because you already knew I would, so don't try to act like this is all some brand new surprise that we're all so in shock from! I'll be fine in a few months, and Corin is in complete health! Doesn't that count for something? She's not even hurt, much less dead."

The man known as John Doe took a deep and angry breath, before standing up and walking towards the door.

"We came here for Sasuke and Itachi themselves, not their _pets. _Do you not understand that you _scared me half to death! _Get your _fucking_ priorities straight! I need to go and see how this has changed things. I'll be back later tonight... I love you, Otouto."

And with a soft click of the closing door, he was gone.

**A/N: How'd you guys like this chapter? **

**PLEASE REVIEW! If you're reading Hematite take my poll. If you're not, then read Hematite and then take my poll. **

**I love you all! **

**-Beloved**


	4. The First Visit

**A/N: The grammar/spelling/typo count in this chapter is probably horrible. I haven't even read it over once, but it was more important to me to update it now that it's done than to take another two days in editing. **

**Enjoy?**

Itachi turned over in his sleep, restlessly. He frowned, sitting up in bed and rubbing his eyes open. Something was not right. A look at the clock told him that it was three-thirty in the morning. What on earth could have possibly woken him?

At first, he hadn't heard it. And then, suddenly, he could hear bath water sloshing around.

Later, Itachi would not be able to say for sure why this inspired him to walk up to the bathroom door and open it without knocking – but that's what he did. This revealed a very relaxed looking Sasuke. Well, a very relaxed looking head and shoulders of Sasuke, anyway – the rest of him was covered by bubbles. He was leaning back in the tub, and his eyes were closed, but Itachi knew that he knew he was there.

Corin was nowhere to be seen, but this was now the norm. Sasuke kept her locked away in his room, now. She could no longer be spotted darting through the house or cradled against her master's chest as he maneuvered the halls. Her cat-flap was always locked, and he'd set up her food and water in one corner, and her litter box in another.

"You just gonna stand there, or did you need something?" Sasuke asked, still with his eyes shut.

"You don't have to get up in the dead of night to bathe, Otouto. If you're that uncomfortable sharing a bathroom with me, I'll just move out and get an apartment, it's not that serious." He responded, taking a seat on the closed toilet and watching little droplets of water as they trailed from Sasuke's hairline to his neck.

"Don't act like you're suddenly trying to do things based on my comfort level. If you cared so much about me being comfortable you wouldn't have pointed out something that you _knew _I'd be uncomfortable about!" Sasuke hissed out.

"Wait … you've been avoiding me for a week because of that weird morning wood incident? Is that _all_?"

Sasuke's eyes shot open, "It wasn't morning wood, Itachi! You know it wasn't _morning-fucking-wood_! I've been avoiding you because I didn't want to have to see you being your usual goddamn passive-as-all-hell-completely-non-caring self and pretending that it was just my _adolescent hormones _when we both know that's not what happened! I've had an active sex life for three years, do you _really _think I'm still dealing with wet dreams?"

Itachi blinked, slowly. "Well, I think that if Mom knew you lost your virginity at fourteen, she'd be pretty upset."

Sasuke paused, clearly trying to consider whether or not he would be upset over the fact that Itachi was pretending to have missed his point. "Wait, you lost yours at _thirteen_!"

"Doesn't count. I was raped," Itachi informed, smirking.

"By a twelve year old girl?" Sasuke questioned, with an eyebrow raised.

"She was very persistent."

"She was _twelve_! And you've been obsessed with martial arts like... forever! And you came home bragging to your friends about it! Don't think I don't remember just cus I was a little kid! I have always, _always _kept up with your sex life! Which is probably how this problem started!"

Itachi sighed, seeing that Sasuke wasn't going to just let this go. Honestly, it wasn't his fault that his kid brother had some weird sexual infatuation for him. Why did they have to talk about it? Couldn't they just ignore it the way normal families did when an inappropriate situation arose? Itachi didn't go around talking to their cousin Shisui about that one time they'd touched penises when they were four. Because weird shit happened in big families, and that's okay, but you're not supposed to discuss it!

"Listen, Otouto. This may be a problem,but you're treating it like it's _our _problem. It's not _our _problem – it's _your _problem. I've been in here while you're naked this whole time and I assure you, I'm still quite flaccid."

Sasuke snorted. "Oh please, you have the hots for me too. Don't be all high and mighty because you're older than I am and you have more control over your dick. If you weren't obsessed with me you wouldn't even live here. You _hate _Mom and Dad, we all know it."

Itachi shrugged, not admitting one way or another how he felt about their parents. "Nonsense," He insisted, "I stay for Corin. You're just the unwanted pickle beside her juicy burger of life."

Sasuke frowned, "What does that even mean?"

"I have no idea. I'm tired. It's four in the morning. Can't we talk about your strange incestuous desires some other time? Preferably never."

"I dunno, Itachi – you just referred to me as something phallic." Sasuke pointed out, grinning.

"So? I'm not even gay." Itachi reminded, watching as Sasuke rose from the tub and bent over to pull the plug out.

"Which explains why you're not staring at my ass – except that you _are _staring at my ass! It's okay, Itachi – it's a very nice ass. Everyone knows so, even Mom. Just yesterday she was telling me about how my ass is so nice, that random people on the street will lust for me."

"Actually I heard that conversation and what she said was 'Sasuke change those damn jeans, you're fixing to get raped.'" Itachi responded, somewhat reluctantly tearing his eyes away from his brother's rear.

Sasuke seemed unphased, "Yeah same thing." He said, moving to the sink and picking up a pair of tweezers then going to work on his eyebrows. "And what part of me always, _always _keeping up with your sex life did you not understand? I know about _both _of the men that you think you've been discreet with, so let's not try to play the 'I'm not gay' card with each other because I don't believe you saying it any more than you'd believe _me._"

Sasuke turned towards Itachi, making quite the peculiar image of himself with only one eyebrow shaped and the other brushed all the way upwards so that he could pluck properly. He glanced down at Itachi's pajama bottoms and snickered. "How's that 'still quite flaccid' lifestyle treating ya?" He asked, staring pointedly at the tent in Itachi's pants.

"It's not personal though. Ass is ass. You're completely naked, and you keep putting your ass in my face for no reaso-"

"It's cus I'm hoping you'll lick it, actually so there _is _a rea-"

"Will you stop coming on to me you insatiable slut!"

Sasuke laughed, "No. I've decided I want you, and after much thinking and guilt and freaking out, I have realized that you want me too. So, we're gonna get together and until we do, I'm gonna keep on avoiding you because I don't want to be around you in a platonic way right now. Okay?"

Before Itachi could answer, the doorbell rang. At four in the morning? Really? Who the heck would come over at four in the morning? Apparently Sasuke had an idea, because he threw a towel around his waist and sprinted downstairs. Itachi followed, silently, glad for the interruption. At a glance at the clock, he saw that it was exactly 4:44. Were they really talking for that long? It didn't seem like it.

He watched as Sasuke threw the door open, grinning. "You really came, holy fuck I totally thought someone was pranking me when I got that letter!"

The man on the other side of the door laughed lightly. Itachi frowned at the sound, finding it familiar in a very strange way.

"You didn't believe me but you're freshly out of the tub?" He asked, stepping inside so that Itachi could see him. "Oh, hello, Itachi – I didn't know your brother had told you that I was meeting with him tonight."

"He hadn't," Itachi responded with a sour frown. It was John Doe, the neighbor from across the street. Itachi felt very uncomfortable whenever he was near that man. "In fact, why _are _you meeting with him tonight?"

"Partly because I'm very fascinated with him," The man said, cupping a hand around Sasuke's cheek and smiling in a way that was oddly sexual and yet entirely platonic. "He's so young and untainted. It's very interesting, don't you think?" The man asked. He then chuckled, shaking his head, "No, I don't suppose you'd understand yet. You will."

Itachi ignored the abnormal words and frowned more deeply, "Uh-huh. Fascinated. Sure. But that's _partly, _so what's your other reason?"

"I wanted to talk to Sasuke," The man said, as if it was obvious, "In private, without you, actually."

Talk. Right. Itachi glared at his brother. As _if. _Not five minutes ago, Sasuke was insisting that he wanted Itachi, and now here he was drooling over this stranger! Deciding that he couldn't be bothered, Itachi went upstairs and back to bed. He did wonder, for a moment, why it was that he was so insanely jealous and peeved by the fact that Sasuke had a crush on their neighbor. But ultimately he decided he couldn't be bothered with that either.

**XxBxExLxOxVxExDxX**

"Well? How did it go?"

John Doe sat down tiredly in the chair next to his brother's hospital bed, not without glaring harshly at the multiple casts that the younger man was wearing – courtesy of Corin the un-dead Kitty. "It would have gone better if _you'd _done it. Itachi feels threatened by me now, and he should – Sasuke looks at me like I'm a glass of cool water on a hot summer day."

Dick Johnson giggled fondly, "Hey, the kid knows what he likes and he's consistent with it. You've gotta respect that, at least a little."

"It's absolutely absurd. I have no interest in him. I don't understand why he's falling for _me _instead of Itachi."

"No interest in him? Really? And what the hell am I, chopped liver?"

John grinned. "You're my whole world. You always have been. If only I could get _them _to realize that!"

"They'll see, Nii-San. You know they will. Soon enough, they'll see it all."

**A/N: What? I'm ending the chapter here? Huh. Guess so. **

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